confessions of a perfect couple

[shosh]

On the advice of some posters on this site, who have told me I should give marriage classes, I thought I would take a minute to give some marriage tips for ladies. I'm sad that this forum is shutting down, so I figure I'd put this up so women can refer to it if they want to. My DH and I are nowhere near perfect, we are two average people with normal character flaws and nisyonos, who have managed, KA''H, to create a wonderful, strong, joyful, deeply loving and intimate marriage. I'd say our marriage is as close to perfect as it can get, but it is something we created over time and there are many things we do to keep it that way.


Here are some of the things I practice on a daily basis, that have helped to create such a marriage. I have been doing them for the 4 years we've been married and they have become ingrained. They have given us shalom bayis and made my DH crazy about me and vice versa. I hope they can help you in your marriages.

(Some of it may seem overly simplistic, but generally men's needs are pretty simple. And some of it may seem very old-fashioned, but I'm just telling you what I do that has worked, and I have an amazing marriage to prove it. Some is just common sense but it's good to be reminded every now and then.)


-Show your DH respect for his opinions and his way of doing things. When you disagree, let him have his way more often than not and say ''you're usually right about these things'' or ''you're probably right''. Ask him for advice on things - work questions, how to handle situations with friends or family. Triple the effectiveness if you actually take his advice and thank him for it! This makes my DH feel like a hero. I even sometimes say, ''my hero!''

-Enjoy sex and make it a priority to have it often. If you don't enjoy it, figure out what it is you don't like and fix that (does he smell? Take a shower together beforehand. Are you tired? Take a nap during the day! Don't just make excuses).

-Treat him to what HE wants in bed once or twice a month (BJ, sensual massage, you on top, brazilian wax - whatever he likes!). Don't disregard his requests as ''demeaning'' or ''goyish'' or accuse, ''what PORN did you get that from?''. As long as it's not dangerous, do what he likes and learn to enjoy it! Feminism has no place in our bedroom and it has made for an amazing sex life, satisfying for both of us.

-Allow him to please YOU in bed (gently show him how if he doesn't know - men don't ask for directions, remember?) and praise him for doing it so well! (He will only get better with practice and he will only practice if you enjoy it). It took my DH a couple of years to learn it, but now there's no stopping him!

-Outside of the bedroom - if he does something you like, and you want him to do it again in the future (eg, doing the dishes, holding the car door open, bringing flowers), then PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE, and be genuine about it. Thank him, tell him how helpful it was or good it made you feel, and what a wonderful hubby and/or tati he is.

-Aim to be the first to apologize, as quickly as possible (even if it's mostly his fault, find something to apologize for). He will appreciate it, and he will learn to do the same and you will eventually both get into the habit of apologizing very quickly after an argument.

-Be positive - look on the bright side. When DH comes home, talk about the good things that happened that day. Occasionally you will need to vent, but that should be very rare (talk to your girlfriends or your mother or your manicurist if you need to vent). Your DH should see you as a ray of sunshine in his life, not a bitter storm cloud. you can become a positive happy person by habit, just make it a point to look for the good things - write them all down if you have to. It will eventually become your mindset.

-Laugh at all of his jokes, or at least, 99% of them!

-Take care of your children's mother. Make the time to exercise and eat right and take naps. (I wake up 1.5 hrs before the baby so I can exercise and have a healthy breakfast first). Your DH & kids will respect you and love you for it. This is part of your avodah!!

-At times you may feel you are giving and giving and being taken for granted. Don't throw a fit. Just take a step back, shut the bathroom door and have a bubble bath for an hour. Give yourself the TLC you need. And, like magic, your DH will appreciate you more for it! (I don't know why this works but it does!)

-Along the same lines, realize that Shabbos doesn't have to be such a production every single week. Give yourself a break and keep it simple once a month. A soup, a roast chicken, a salad and some cookies from the freezer will cover it, and nobody will die of disappointment or hunger (we all fill up on challah anyway, right?). There is more to ''l'chvod Shabbos'' than stuffing yourself with food, and besides that it's fattening!

-Do whatever you can to keep a neat & tidy house. Yes, people with children have managed to do it, you can do it too! Hire help or learn to do it yourself (try www.flylady.net if you need improvement in this area, this is how I learned). I like to spend 5 minutes straightening up before DH comes home. A clean house helps shalom bayis because everyone feels calmer, happier, and more focused in a clean house.

-Wear makeup for your husband (even if it's just some mascara and blush). Sorry feminists, but men are visual creatures and they take pride in your looking pretty. Nevermind that you've been married 14 years and you're ''past that''. Do you want him to be ''past'' bringing you flowers because you've been married so long? Don't take him for granted!

-When he comes home from work, greet him the way a man deserves to be greeted. Drop what you're doing, run and give him a big kiss and a hug. Then, go back to what you were doing and give him some space for 15 minutes (don't dump the kids on him, you can wait that extra 15). You husband needs to decompress before shifting into hubby/tati mode. (This makes my DH sooo happy to come home every day. He used to disappear into his work and would work extra late every night, but sure enough, over time, he has turned into someone who rushes home from work, sometimes early, to hang out at home!).

-Put your DH first. He should be number 1, before the kids. And he should know it. Keep his needs & wants in the forefront of your mind, and act on them. Thoughtful gestures really add up (when he comes in from the cold, offer him a tissue. When he's out gardening in the heat, offer to bring him a cold beer. When he comes home tired, don't dump the kids on him. When he's had a bad day at work, brighten him up with a treat when he comes home, like a brownie or a quiet movie night - sometimes when men are down, they just want to be quiet).

-Receive graciously. Never complain or criticize something he brings you or something he does to try and help. Thank him for EVERYTHING - if you run out for a slice of pizza together on a Sunday say ''thank you for lunch''. If he takes you for a movie say ''thank you, I had a great time!''. If he puts the baby to bed say thank you! If he clears the table say thank you! If he gives you an orgasm - say thank you!!!! Also occasionally thank him for working so hard to support the family (or learning so hard to support klal yisrael - whatever he does, be grateful!).

-Daven for help. Daven that it should be easy for you to do these things and that your DH should appreciate them. Daven that you should only see the good in your husband and appreciate him. Thank Hashem for your beautiful marriage and ask that He help you keep it strong forever.


All of these things have added up to create a happy home and an intimate marriage for us. My DH is inspired to act like a real man and a gentleman, who openly adores me and who would do anything to make me happy.

There are other things I/we do but this post is long enough! lol. Feel free to comment or ask questions, and I will respond as honestly as possible.

[Guest]

Wow shosh, thank you for that. I'm at such a busy point in my life, that I just don't take the time to think about these things, and my marriage has probably suffered because of it. Your post reminded me that sometimes it can just take a few small things (although easier said than done) to bring a marriage to where it could and should be.. Thanks again!

[susan]

that was beautiful! Thanx for sharing. You are rite on target. Hatzlacha and Brocha to you.

[Guest]

Could a husband maybe post what he does for his wife? I frequently feel that there isn't enough in the world I can do for my husband - and it's all just part of being a wife, the basic job description. But he remembers to take the trash out with only two reminders? Holy cow - the best hubby in the world! I'd better be super grateful!
When we were first married I was maybe overly optimistic... I did all that stuff a "good wife" is supposed to do and over time began feeling resentful that so much is expected of me and practically nothing of him. All he has to do is go to a job he absolutely loves, where he's at the top of his world and has dozens of people who think his every word is golden. If he spends an hour a week with the kids at the playground (with his eyes on his blackberry more than the kids), he's a hero. If I spend every afternoon actually playing with them at the playground, make it home in time to get them all cleaned up and somehow manage to get a a good dinner on the table and all the kids around it by the time DH gets home... I'm just being a wife and mother. And then if I'm too tired for sex - well, I'm not even a good wife if I can't find the energy to orgasm daily.
I'm starting to resent him. I try not to since it isn't entirely fair. He may love his job but that doesn't mean it's an easy one. And I do appreciate that he works hard for us but... Here's the thing - I'm the only one who can appreciate him sexually as he reminds me all the time, but he can go to work and be praised and compensated. And get coffee breaks with adults to talk with. Whereas I'm home with no one to praise me, with kids mostly still too small to care about my feelings or needs. And my compensation for a great dinner? Dishes to wash.
So.. Shosh... any advice for me? How do I change my mindset?
And husbands - do you have any comparable lists like Shosh's?

[S]

It would probably be a good idea to have a "husband's list," but you should realize that no matter what, odds are that you and your husband are each going to see your own role as being more difficult, and more giving, or more important, or less rewarding, etc. I could make a case that working with your own children, instead of a bunch of adults, is a far better deal. But that's not the point. The point is that you want to feel appreciated, and you absolutely have a right to.

Here's my question - you talk about your husband being a hero - is that how HE feels, or is that how YOU make HIM feel? From the tone of your post, I'd say it's probably the former - if you can pull off the latter, it's likely that he would reciprocate. True, he should be the one starting, but if he's not, then your starting is the best bet, i think.

[shosh]

Guest,

You are feeling tired and underappreciated. I struggle with this too, a lot. We all tend to under-estimate how hard our spouses work, that's normal. And then we feel resentful because we don't realize how hard they are working for us and we feel they don't notice how hard we work for them. Resentment can turn into a vicious cycle, it's great that you are aware of it so you can nip it in the bud!

We cannot have too high expectations in this area - our husbands can be our best friends, but they cannot be our best GIRLFRIENDS who notice how hard we've been pushing ourselves and offer to take us for a manicure. Time to be realistic here.

I have learned, when I'm feeling under-appreciated, to take time for myself and DO LESS. To take a few hours off - I ask DH to take over the kids for a while (I let him do as he pleases, if he's on his Blackberry then so be it - I try not to think about it) and go for a pedicure, or a massage, or a coffee with a friend - or just go for a walk with my ipod.

Men are very good at this - they know when they need a break and they TAKE IT! It's a good thing. We women must learn to be good to ourselves like this - we cannot wait for our husbands to arrange our time off for us. JUST TAKE IT! Hire a babysitter - or ask your mother or MIL to come do the dishes and watch the kids for 2 hours (most mothers/MILs want to feel needed, so they will be happy to help), and go to a movie. You will come back feeling stronger and happier - and your husband will realize that you deserved that time!

Today is Rosh Chodesh, it's our day - I've decided to NOT do any of the non-critical items on my list today - no laundry, no sponga, no errands. I am going to take a nap and watch a chick flick instead. I might even be brave and not make dinner! DH can pick up a couple of deli sandwiches on his way home. I work hard and today I am taking a break, because I love my children's mother. You should too!

Also, when we were first married I would write in my diary every night, a list of all of the things my DH did that day to be thankful for (every little thing, every compliment, every favour). That taught me to look for the good things he does and focus on them, because he was doing a lot, but I was too resentful to notice it. I also started to say more thank-yous because I was looking out for all of the things he did for me. A couple months of that, and my mindset had completely changed (I still do it now sometimes when I feel he's not helping).

[shosh]

Guest, one other thing --

You also have to realize the tremendous value of what you're doing. The merit you receive from keeping the home running, putting dinner on the table, raising the children. There is a shiur I listened to recently that really illuminated this for me and renewed my sense of purpose in these daily tasks. When you feel that sense of purpose, it's very difficult to be bitter.

The shiur was called ''Satisfaction From Home & Children - for women'' by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern, I downloaded it from aishaudio.com. Actually all of his shiurim on shalom bayis are great.

[guest2222]

Shosh, your list is very nice and it's clear that you've worked hard to make your marriage the amazing marriage that it seems to be. Bravo to you. On principle, I agree with everything you said: be respectful, appreciative, positive, and loving, put your husband first, and do your best.

That said, however, there is more than one manifestation of a perfect marriage. Are you a stay-at-home mom? I'm not. I often get home from work after my husband does. I have neither the time nor the opportunity to clean the house for 5 minutes before he gets home. In our relationship, we split the work, the responsibilities, and the support. Not everything needs to be the way that you described it for it to be perfect. As long as you fill the voids of your spouse, and he yours, the marriage will be good. When my job gets stressful and I come home having lost an important case in court, or having been yelled at by a client, I share my thoughts and frustration with my husband and we work through it together, trying to find the lessons and positive within, together. When my husband has a stressful day at work, I do the same for him. We recognize that neither person is always happy and positive. Yes, I could talk to my girlfriends about what bothers me, but honestly, my husband actually prefers when I talk to him about everything on my mind. He has told me time and time again that he loves being my "everything" person. And my husband knows that when he walks in the door late and our daughter runs to him, I'm not going to "save" him from his fatherly responsibilities for 15 minutes while he decompresses. He can decompress all he wants on the train or in the car on his way home. Or he can decompress with our daughter in his arms, or while he's doing the dishes. He is not a baby who needs to be coddled. This may seem harsh to you, but you should know that my husband is no less eager to come home to his wife and children than yours. Our marriage is no less perfect, and we are no less happy.

[yalkut3]

Dear Shosh,

What you wrote on this board has completely blown me away. I almost fell over when I read what you wrote. I am telling you, if you are intimidated to actually give classes, then start writing a book. You could get haskama from rabbis to get your book published. Everything your wrote is so thoughtful and so refreshing to read. I love the part about leaving being a feminist behind.

I think Shosh's advice is unbelievable for the ladies and now the part of the advice for the men:

Step 1: Read the book "The Garden of Peace" by Shalom Arush translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody.

If a man does what is written in that book in conjunction with Shosh's advice for the ladies, that couple can truly be the PERFECT COUPLE both in Olam Hazeh and Olam Habah. Basic highlights from the book are:

Everything Shosh wrote but reversed for the man:

1. Always respect your wife and her opinions.
2. Do not criticize your wife for anything ever. Do not tell her that she is wrong and she needs to improve herself in XYZ... instead improve yourself. Work on your own middot.
3. Compliment your wife ALL THE TIME and thank her ALL THE TIME for all the good that she does for you. If you take a nap shabbath afternoon, tell her thank you for letting me rest and then return the favor for her.
4. A piece of advice I got from a rebbe which works wonders is if you work OR learn long hours, bring home a small token of your appreciate for your wife as regularly as possible. This does not mean diamonds. This may be a small piece of your wife's favorite chocolate, her favorite sushi, or a gift certificate to her favorite nail salon and offer to watch the kids while she goes.
5. Make date time with the wife. If you cant afford date time to a restaurant, then tell your wife not to cook dinner for sunday night, go the supermarket and get food for a nice picnic along the beach boardwalk or at the park. It's summertime, let's take advantage of the free nice weather.
6. Offer to help as much as possible at home.
7. Do not criticize your wife. Notice how I am repeating myself. Be careful of sarcasm as man of us guys are accustomed to doing it with other friends.
8. Offer her a neck / back / foot massage in the evenings for no reason at all.
9. Listen to what she says very carefully without looking at your crackberry or TV set.
10. Be a man! Dont get effected / offended by her crazy mood swings. All women do this and it's part of their nature. This is the hardest one for me personally.

Try to get ahold of shalom bayit shiurim in english by Rabbi Lazar Brody. He's the one who translated the Garden of Peace by Rabbi Shalom Arush.

One piece of advice for both men and women. Remove expectations about
an ideal spouse from your heart. Instead set your own expectations of what type of spouse you will be!

[guest 666]

Shosh, I agree with every single one of your suggestions. But perhaps the title of your post should be "perfect wife" and not "perfect couple." You obviously have a wonderful husband, if he appreciates and reciprocates all of the things you do. I have been married a lot longer than you (4 times as long) and I have been doing all the things you mentioned, plus more (you didn't mention any advice on how to be a perfect daughter in law...) However, we are by far not the perfect couple. As "guest" said, I too feel resentful of being unappreciated. All the things I do are part of the description of Wife and Mother. And in addition I also work outside the home, so this cannot be attributed to "my job/his job." And I was getting ready to type a slightly bitter response to your post.
However, when I read Yalkut33's advice for men, I literaly started crying. Tears streaming down my cheeks. I feel like someone understands me!!! I feel like I've been heard for the first time in many, many years! I never complain about my husband to anyone, because thats what I was taught, so this is literaly the first time I feel heard. And yes, I have spoken to my husband, and told him how I feel, and he just tells me, any time I get upset, that I'm crazy emotional and he can't handle my moods. So even though I was already crying, advice number 10 really hit a nerve! I wish my husband would read these things, and not just read it but really take it to heart. I'm at the point where I'm ready to stop doing all the things suggested by Shosh (yes, they did teach these things 17 years ago in callah classes....) I think the reason I'm writing this (besides venting, which feels amazing by the way) is that although your advice is great, Shosh, please do not make naive young girls believe that this will lead to a perfect marriage, as I believed. They too will become resentful. It is GREAT advice for being a perfect wife, however the ingredients for a perfect marriage are, as guest 2222 said, filling the voids in each other. Men need to be respected, and need sex, but women have needs too and if those aren't filled you will never have a perfect marriage. Your advice to take care of yourself is wonderful, in terms of not letting outside stress out on your husband (or kids.) But there ARE things your husband must do. These things should be included in the post titled "confessions of a perfect couple."
And Yalkut3, thank you.

[guest 732]

Shosh, I agree with every single one of your suggestions. But perhaps the title of your post should be "perfect wife" and not "perfect couple." You obviously have a wonderful husband, if he appreciates and reciprocates all of the things you do. I have been married a lot longer than you (4 times as long) and I have been doing all the things you mentioned, plus more (you didn't mention any advice on how to be a perfect daughter in law...) However, we are by far not the perfect couple. As "guest" said, I too feel resentful of being unappreciated. All the things I do are part of the description of Wife and Mother. And in addition I also work outside the home, so this cannot be attributed to "my job/his job." And I was getting ready to type a slightly bitter response to your post.
However, when I read Yalkut33's advice for men, I literaly started crying. Tears streaming down my cheeks. I feel like someone understands me!!! I feel like I've been heard for the first time in many, many years! I never complain about my husband to anyone, because thats what I was taught, so this is literaly the first time I feel heard. And yes, I have spoken to my husband, and told him how I feel, and he just tells me, any time I get upset, that I'm crazy emotional and he can't handle my moods. So even though I was already crying, advice number 10 really hit a nerve! I wish my husband would read these things, and not just read it but really take it to heart. I'm at the point where I'm ready to stop doing all the things suggested by Shosh (yes, they did teach these things 17 years ago in callah classes....) I think the reason I'm writing this (besides venting, which feels amazing by the way) is that although your advice is great, Shosh, please do not make naive young girls believe that this will lead to a perfect marriage, as I believed. They too will become resentful. It is GREAT advice for being a perfect wife, however the ingredients for a perfect marriage are, as guest 2222 said, filling the voids in each other. Men need to be respected, and need sex, but women have needs too and if those aren't filled you will never have a perfect marriage. Your advice to take care of yourself is wonderful, in terms of not letting outside stress out on your husband (or kids.) But there ARE things your husband must do. These things should be included in the post titled "confessions of a perfect couple."
And Yalkut3, thank you.

[mr guest]

whow ! It really was an amazing article . Being the husband of a kallah teacher and SB counsler i realize so much more how my DW does most of the stuff you wrote on a daily basis and how this has cemented our 16 years of marriage to a very high leval . I showed the article to my DW and she said its realy good and true (besides the going the movie etc. ......)and if everyone would practice what you wrote 99 percent of people would have the shecinah resting in the house ! thanks you

[Guest]

Thanks to all.

Suggested Reading:

1. The River, The Kettle, And The Bird
A Torah Guide to a Successful Marriage
by R' Aharon Feldman
(Feldheim)
[This one was given to me as a wedding present by a cousin who had just gone through a divorce. (She has since remarried.)]

2. Table for Two
Making a Good Marriage Better
by R' Avraham Peretz Friedman
(Targum)

From the blurb:
--------------
How do you take a good Jewish marriage and turn it into a great one?

In "A Table for Two", Rabbi Avraham Friedman draws upon his extensive experience as a premarital and marital counselor to give a wealth of practical advice, tips, and techniques for dealing with the challenges of married life. Do you fight fair? Are you communicating or just talking at each other? Do you know how to make your husband happy? Do you know how to make your wife sad? Read this delightful little book and see just how great a Jewish marriage can be!
--------------

[S]

Guest666 - the things mentioned there are all ideals, and they're something all guys need to work towards. And it's not necessarily always easy.

If a wife tells her husband that she expects him to be up to step 10, that might be hard to take. It might be easier if you approached him and explained that you KNOW you can be difficult to handle, but that part of the reason you love and respect him is the fact that he's strong, and able to handle you. You should explain that you don't expect him to be perfect, but that you would appreciate it if he tried to work on it. Then, remind yourself that it's going to take time, and never criticize when he doesn't measure up - but anytime he displays any semblance of improvement, make sure you thank him for it afterward. Whether it's a back massage, an extra batch of brownies, whatever, find some way to show your appreciation.

Is that fair? Should he, at this point, already be doing that? Dunno. Maybe. But that's not the point - the point is that you want him to improve, you're desperate for it. So I'm giving you some suggestions of things you can do that might make those changes more likely.

[yalkut3]

Dear guest 732,

Everything that I wrote in my post is things that husbands are supposed to work towards. Most of us husbands are not there yet! So please be patient with us as we try to better ourselves. I personally try VERY hard to work towards everything and then some on my list. Believe me, I do not always pass. Just yesterday, I failed miserably as I ended up being the one who not only failed at understanding but worse. I was the one with the crazy mood swing who lost it in front of family and friends. Everybody has tests and tribulations from hashem every second of their life. I personally like Shosh's approach where she davens to hashem for proper guidance. Try it! Women can do it during licht bentchen. Men can do it during personal bakashot in davening. And ask Rebbi Nachman says we can all do it any time whenever we want doing heetbadadut (no clue how to spell that in english) - simply talking to hashem! Again I suggest the book "Garden of Peace" by Shalom Arush for MEN ONLY. I personally have given the book as a present to other guys and the proof is in the pudding! I dont know your hubby and dont know how he'd react if you gave it to him.

Best of Luck---