confessions of a perfect couple

[guestt 732]

thank you yalkut and S for your support and advice
i guess the main reason i'm upset is because i don't have the relationship i want with my husband. and the reason this post hit a nerve is because for years i put the burden of being a good spouse solely on myself, and really didn't expect much in return from my husband. he has a job, he learns when he can, and he doesn't cheat, YAY! what more can i ask for! (and society as well as the frum community encourage this lack of expectations on men.) but after years of doing my part, he now blames me when he doesn't feel the strong connection between us. 1. i've tried many times to have a "date night" once in a while, and he responded by telling me that shouldn't make a difference if we really love each other, and that there are other priorities that come before enjoyment. 2. he spent years pointing out my every fault, while i just sang his praises, and now he complains that i have more faults than him that he has to deal with, and clearly, as i have told him many times, he says, he is a wonderful husband. 3. when i do bring up something i am upset about, which is very rarely (as opposed to the daily criticism i get) he gets so angry and implies that i will never be happy, and the subject gets dropped because it turns into me reminding him how happy i am with him and what a wonderful husband he is. 4. when he does the smallest gesture, i always thank him numerous times, and yet he still holds resentment for having to do things to make me happy. i hesitate to ever ask him for anything because of this. (and i have never pressured him to buy me anything expensive, i'm really talking about small gestures like bringing flowers to the hospital after i had a baby)
yalkut, i can assure you that if i give him any book of advice, he will get very angry and lash out (with hurtful words) and i will have to spend weeks reassuring him how wonderful he is. and S, believe me, i don't expect him to be up to number 10, but i would like for him to show me some appreciation, criticise a little less, and maybe allow me to get upset when i need to, especially since he does it all the time and i give him all the support in the world when he does!
any advice on how to get through to stubborn man? because i would still like to try.

[S]

It really sounds like you've done all you can, for too long, wanting him to return the favor, but not getting what you want, what you feel you need. The problem is that now, it's much harder to do, because you've run out of patience - possibly rightly so. So the key is going to be workign on the issue together with him, figuring out how to get what you need in the relationship, and most importantly, working on getting back to where you want to be - focused on giving, happily.

I think that one important factor is "I" messages. In other words, don't discuss whether or not what he's doing is right or wrong - discuss how it makes you feel. Explain, "when you do that, I feel..."

It is also possible that going to some counseling together could be good for both of you.