My dear Racheli!!!
If i spent all this time writing my hearts desires & hurts & wants, it was all "kedei" if it brought u & others to our senses. Internet & chatting over the time has taught an important lesson. IE.............Men(u might not like to hear this) will tell a woman such sweet words to get her into his arms!! Its been happening I believe since creation. Witness the Torah of "mehfateh". A man seduces young girl. Rarely does young girl seduce man!! We women have an inate circuit in us that helps us fall to soft words. When a man cries about his unloving wife, our instinct is to want to hold him tight to our bosom & pamper him. Internet has enabled us frum women to meet up with, & hear these stories. The rest follows. Broken homes, hurt children, a woman coming to her senses a bit to late. Maybe its a lack of "yiras shomayim "too. As ive found that after lichbenchen i would feel so bad & guilty about my actions of the week. How many times have I had enjoyable phonesex (yes, im sorry to say ive done that stupid filth at times) & then felt dirty, unclean when Dh came to my bed to join us together in a mitzva!! If i wasnt afraid & embarrased, id make a group to make speeches in schools to girls about the REAL pitfall of internet!!!
So Rachelli!! Chazak Va'amatz!!! U & others realized the stupidity of it all in time. B'h!! so did i!!
As to others here.............why does DH have to lower himself to pleasing me in things that are enjoyable but not done by ehrlich, chasd Jews? why shouldnt i be the one that raises my self? Its not that I have no joy! I do occasionally orgasm. I do enjoy the pure closeness. I never knew other things existed until I joined the work force & heard from shiksas & internet. So it was ok once upon a time. Think ppl. I dont think our precious bubbas did these things. They instead prayed for nachas of their children. Is it possible thats why we have "at risk"? Cause our minds are on self-pleasure rather than tefilla to the ONE ABOVE?
CalmKallahs
trying not to sin
Re: trying not to sin
by S on Thu May 13, 2010 1:20 am
Glad to hear it - you made a great decision, one that you can be proud of!
- S
Re: trying not to sin
by Guest on Thu May 13, 2010 11:57 am
From Aish HaTorah
http://www.aish.com/f/m/92618844.html
--------------------------------------------
Emotional Infidelity
by M. Gary Neuman
Adultery is one of the gravest blows to a marriage, as well as a painful rejection for one partner. But you don't have to be intimate with anyone else to be unfaithful. Emotional infidelity is just as -- and at times even more -- destructive to your marriage. Couples I counsel are absolutely outraged when I tell them that they could well be committing emotional adultery when they flirt with coworkers, send around funny emails to colleagues, or hang out with members of the opposite sex at gatherings. But they are, and so probably are you.
Stopping this kind of relationship is the single most important thing you can do for your marriage. It's not about where it may lead. It's about where it has already gone, far from your focus on your marriage.
When you find yourself getting irritated with what I have to say, consider: Why does it bother you? Why are you resisting the idea? Why not see if I'm right by making some changes? What is it that you're trying to protect by maintaining the kind of relationships you're presently involved in? If these relationships aren't as "damaging" as I say, because you say you don't find them that important and they aren't going to lead anywhere, then prove it to yourself by letting go of them. If they don't mean that much to you, why the irritation when I ask you to cut back on these friendships? Remember what it is you've always wanted from your marriage, and start considering the large, determined commitment that is absolutely necessary to creating a happy marriage.
Most of us won't fall in love in cyber space, yet we find it okay to share a different kind of space with friends of the opposite sex. We discuss our problems, air out our issues, and settle disagreements with our business colleagues. We chat with our friends and neighbors. What's the harm in a man having a casual friendship with a woman when either is married? Surely, every friendship doesn't lead to an affair. Yet we forget the emotional harm of relating to someone outside the marriage when that same energy can be used to relate to our own spouse. Marriage is about relating to a member of the opposite sex with an intimacy felt with no other.
When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE BEING UNFAITHFUL?
Consider your own personal relationships:
* When you hear a funny joke or good piece of gossip, do you first tell other colleagues? By the time you get home, have you chewed it all over so much at the office that you don't feel like telling that joke again to your spouse?
* Do you discuss all of your work problems (or issues involving volunteer work or other important things you are involved in) so thoroughly with colleagues that you're all talked out by the time you return home? Do you feel like it would take too long to review and explain the entire issue from scratch to your spouse?
* Do you go out alone to lunch or after work for drinks with members of the opposite sex?
* Do you enjoy harmless (by your definition) flirtation with someone of the opposite sex at a cocktail party?
* Do you believe that getting emotionally excited by flirting with someone of the opposite sex is helpful to your marriage? Do you think it helps educate you as to what you need more of from your spouse? Do you tell yourself that the juice you get from flirting brings more vitality to your marriage?
* Do you spend as long buying the "right gift" for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your own spouse?
* Do you share intimate issues about yourself or marriage with a member of the opposite sex?
If you're doing any of these things, you're being emotionally unfaithful to your spouse. You have only so much energy. If you're spending it with coworkers or outside the home and then getting home and feeling too tired to spend any more on your spouse, that's emotional infidelity. You're effectively relocating vital marital energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up. Even if you never touch this other person, you have still used that person to relate to, and in doing so, you relate away from your spouse.
You may be shaking your head and disagreeing. But I've spent years helping couples pool their energies toward each other, and it has changed their marriage immediately. Stop all of these outside relationships and bring all your emotional and sexual energy home to your spouse, and you, too, will change your marriage immediately.
EXCLUSIVITY MAKES SENSE
The first step in developing a happy marriage is to close our peripheral vision to others so that we can be fully focused on our mate.
We seem to honor this commitment intuitively when tragedy strikes. Recently, there was an unforgettable wedding in my community. After the engagement, the groom was diagnosed with life-threatening, malignant melanoma. The wedding was postponed, and the twenty-year-old bride moved in with her future in-laws to help care for her love through his surgeries and subsequent chemotherapy treatments. There were few dry eyes as these two young lovers, wise beyond their years, made a public commitment to each other.
If one spouse becomes physically handicapped, our culture expects the healthy spouse to expend years of energy to stand by the disabled partner, to demonstrate a commitment to love. Why should we wait for that extreme righteous commitment to display itself only after tragedy?
I recognize that some may find my idea of marital isolation archaic and unrealistic. Yet we are comfortable applying the same logic to many other areas in life. If we were to start a business, for example, we'd understand the need to focus serious attention on it. If we were to start two businesses simultaneously, others would count the minutes until we filed for bankruptcy. If we started a family, we'd feel obligated to focus our attention on our child. We wouldn't dream of spending large amounts of time alone with another child. We'd know it would be wrong to limit time with our own kid in favor of another kid who seemed "neater" than our own. As a parent, you'd understand your obligation to find the parts of your child you love and to learn to focus more on those wonderful points. You'd want to find activities that brought out the best in your child and yourself.
Marriage needs the same commitment to developing a loving and satisfying relationship. We can't divide ourselves in many directions without losing the intensity in our marriage. Our energy is already split between our jobs, our kids, and our marriage. The only way to keep a marriage strong is to put it first and foremost always. Just because we live in an ever-changing "enlightened" world doesn't mean we should eliminate healthy marital concepts because they sound archaic.
FOCUS ON YOUR MARRIAGE
When you make the choice to truly commit to each other, you face a huge obstacle: the world around you doesn't understand commitment. They don't know that you really plan to live the rest of your life with your spouse. No, you don't want to do it in pain and misery. But it can be wonderful only if you learn to be there through thick and thin. When you know that you can be at your very lowest and your spouse will put loving arms around you and pledge undying love, you're married forever. If we can just banish the urge to find this kind of love outside our spousal relationship, we'll be forced to put incredible effort into the greatest thing we have going: our marriage. If you feel you are missing that "connection" with your spouse, choose to find the way to create a new bond with your spouse instead of looking to an opposite sex friend to fulfill you.
Countless people have told me that getting involved with members of the opposite sex isn't a problem for them because it would never lead to adultery. Having an affair is far from the only problem. You will simply be chipping away at your marriage every time you get that ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex. It's dangerous to your marriage, and not just because it may lead to sex. It drains your marriage of the immense energy it needs to grow: the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your spouse the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you are looking for elsewhere.
Refocus on the one you married and how you can get whatever it is you're getting from these other relationships from your own marriage. Find outside relationships with members of the same sex and keep the "chemistry" between you and your spouse.
[Excerpted from Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof your Marriage and 10 other secrets to a great relationship, by M. Gary Neuman. Visit his site at http://www.mgaryneuman.com/ ]
--------------------------------------------
http://www.aish.com/f/m/92618844.html
--------------------------------------------
Emotional Infidelity
by M. Gary Neuman
Adultery is one of the gravest blows to a marriage, as well as a painful rejection for one partner. But you don't have to be intimate with anyone else to be unfaithful. Emotional infidelity is just as -- and at times even more -- destructive to your marriage. Couples I counsel are absolutely outraged when I tell them that they could well be committing emotional adultery when they flirt with coworkers, send around funny emails to colleagues, or hang out with members of the opposite sex at gatherings. But they are, and so probably are you.
Stopping this kind of relationship is the single most important thing you can do for your marriage. It's not about where it may lead. It's about where it has already gone, far from your focus on your marriage.
When you find yourself getting irritated with what I have to say, consider: Why does it bother you? Why are you resisting the idea? Why not see if I'm right by making some changes? What is it that you're trying to protect by maintaining the kind of relationships you're presently involved in? If these relationships aren't as "damaging" as I say, because you say you don't find them that important and they aren't going to lead anywhere, then prove it to yourself by letting go of them. If they don't mean that much to you, why the irritation when I ask you to cut back on these friendships? Remember what it is you've always wanted from your marriage, and start considering the large, determined commitment that is absolutely necessary to creating a happy marriage.
Most of us won't fall in love in cyber space, yet we find it okay to share a different kind of space with friends of the opposite sex. We discuss our problems, air out our issues, and settle disagreements with our business colleagues. We chat with our friends and neighbors. What's the harm in a man having a casual friendship with a woman when either is married? Surely, every friendship doesn't lead to an affair. Yet we forget the emotional harm of relating to someone outside the marriage when that same energy can be used to relate to our own spouse. Marriage is about relating to a member of the opposite sex with an intimacy felt with no other.
When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE BEING UNFAITHFUL?
Consider your own personal relationships:
* When you hear a funny joke or good piece of gossip, do you first tell other colleagues? By the time you get home, have you chewed it all over so much at the office that you don't feel like telling that joke again to your spouse?
* Do you discuss all of your work problems (or issues involving volunteer work or other important things you are involved in) so thoroughly with colleagues that you're all talked out by the time you return home? Do you feel like it would take too long to review and explain the entire issue from scratch to your spouse?
* Do you go out alone to lunch or after work for drinks with members of the opposite sex?
* Do you enjoy harmless (by your definition) flirtation with someone of the opposite sex at a cocktail party?
* Do you believe that getting emotionally excited by flirting with someone of the opposite sex is helpful to your marriage? Do you think it helps educate you as to what you need more of from your spouse? Do you tell yourself that the juice you get from flirting brings more vitality to your marriage?
* Do you spend as long buying the "right gift" for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your own spouse?
* Do you share intimate issues about yourself or marriage with a member of the opposite sex?
If you're doing any of these things, you're being emotionally unfaithful to your spouse. You have only so much energy. If you're spending it with coworkers or outside the home and then getting home and feeling too tired to spend any more on your spouse, that's emotional infidelity. You're effectively relocating vital marital energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up. Even if you never touch this other person, you have still used that person to relate to, and in doing so, you relate away from your spouse.
You may be shaking your head and disagreeing. But I've spent years helping couples pool their energies toward each other, and it has changed their marriage immediately. Stop all of these outside relationships and bring all your emotional and sexual energy home to your spouse, and you, too, will change your marriage immediately.
EXCLUSIVITY MAKES SENSE
The first step in developing a happy marriage is to close our peripheral vision to others so that we can be fully focused on our mate.
We seem to honor this commitment intuitively when tragedy strikes. Recently, there was an unforgettable wedding in my community. After the engagement, the groom was diagnosed with life-threatening, malignant melanoma. The wedding was postponed, and the twenty-year-old bride moved in with her future in-laws to help care for her love through his surgeries and subsequent chemotherapy treatments. There were few dry eyes as these two young lovers, wise beyond their years, made a public commitment to each other.
If one spouse becomes physically handicapped, our culture expects the healthy spouse to expend years of energy to stand by the disabled partner, to demonstrate a commitment to love. Why should we wait for that extreme righteous commitment to display itself only after tragedy?
I recognize that some may find my idea of marital isolation archaic and unrealistic. Yet we are comfortable applying the same logic to many other areas in life. If we were to start a business, for example, we'd understand the need to focus serious attention on it. If we were to start two businesses simultaneously, others would count the minutes until we filed for bankruptcy. If we started a family, we'd feel obligated to focus our attention on our child. We wouldn't dream of spending large amounts of time alone with another child. We'd know it would be wrong to limit time with our own kid in favor of another kid who seemed "neater" than our own. As a parent, you'd understand your obligation to find the parts of your child you love and to learn to focus more on those wonderful points. You'd want to find activities that brought out the best in your child and yourself.
Marriage needs the same commitment to developing a loving and satisfying relationship. We can't divide ourselves in many directions without losing the intensity in our marriage. Our energy is already split between our jobs, our kids, and our marriage. The only way to keep a marriage strong is to put it first and foremost always. Just because we live in an ever-changing "enlightened" world doesn't mean we should eliminate healthy marital concepts because they sound archaic.
FOCUS ON YOUR MARRIAGE
When you make the choice to truly commit to each other, you face a huge obstacle: the world around you doesn't understand commitment. They don't know that you really plan to live the rest of your life with your spouse. No, you don't want to do it in pain and misery. But it can be wonderful only if you learn to be there through thick and thin. When you know that you can be at your very lowest and your spouse will put loving arms around you and pledge undying love, you're married forever. If we can just banish the urge to find this kind of love outside our spousal relationship, we'll be forced to put incredible effort into the greatest thing we have going: our marriage. If you feel you are missing that "connection" with your spouse, choose to find the way to create a new bond with your spouse instead of looking to an opposite sex friend to fulfill you.
Countless people have told me that getting involved with members of the opposite sex isn't a problem for them because it would never lead to adultery. Having an affair is far from the only problem. You will simply be chipping away at your marriage every time you get that ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex. It's dangerous to your marriage, and not just because it may lead to sex. It drains your marriage of the immense energy it needs to grow: the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your spouse the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you are looking for elsewhere.
Refocus on the one you married and how you can get whatever it is you're getting from these other relationships from your own marriage. Find outside relationships with members of the same sex and keep the "chemistry" between you and your spouse.
[Excerpted from Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof your Marriage and 10 other secrets to a great relationship, by M. Gary Neuman. Visit his site at http://www.mgaryneuman.com/ ]
--------------------------------------------
- Guest
Re: trying not to sin
by Racheli on Fri May 14, 2010 8:00 am
Dear Faigie, thanks for your kind words.
I don't know if all your suffering was worth it just for me and my own experience,
but I do know that our Nissyonos are intended to make us stronger,
and bring us closer to Hashem.
It is all in your hands if you pull out of it - or not.
If, in the process, others including myself learn from your experience, great!
(We must admit that in such case the Internet is positively a very powerful tool!)
Surprisingly enough, what "did it" for me was not the angish and suffering of
your predicament, but mostly the pathetic blindness of this so-called "Love".
Of course it is always easier to have a clear vision looking from outside and this is how I saw in your situation the clear reflection of what just started to become mine.
What touched me on this thread is the display of nine pages full of advice from holy brothers and sisters, so far yet so closely touched by your Nissoyon. They are here for you, spending their precious time and energy trying with all their strength to pull you out of this dreadful trap.
Caring men and women out there, opening their hearts to you, writing words of prayers and wisdom, sharing their own painful experiences with you,their common sense, using any possible language and illustration to convince you, and prove their point to you- all for the ultimate goal of pulling you out of a soaking boat, while you are still so hesitant.
I felt it could be me.
I agree for the main part about the text brought from previous poster, from Rabbi Neuman.
Making our spouse number one, investing in our marital relationship, focusing, etc..
I was actually asking myself this morning WHY would I write a poem to a complete stranger whom I have only spent two hours with, and not to my husband who is totally devoted to me and works hard on the homefront while I am on here this business trip?
However, I honestly don't think that eliminating Internet or being distant with the opposite sex holds the solution.
(I remember repeatedly getting hurt while living in a "super frum" community, all from the rudness of men:
not holding the door for me when I am pushing a heavy stroller and trying to enter the food store,ignoring me when lost and in need directions, husbands of my friends not saying hello to me while I was visiting their wives, to name a few examples...
and all for the sake of Tsnius!!)
I believe it is very insensitive and might bring a Chilul Hashem.(I have many examples but it is not the topic).
I don't think this is what Hashem wants from us.
We cannot shelter ourselves.
We live in the world and the world IS populated.It is 2010 no matter how you want behave.
I believe that most of us are lonely and need communication and relationship with others.
That's why we are here in the first place.
This loneliness is what gets us in trouble, not the internet. Internet is a tool that brings us anywhere we want, but we are in control of the keyboard and we have to take that responsability seriously!
So, what could possibly help others like Faigie, me and a million of others?
Let's try to be pro-active here, because the frightening truth is:
NO ONE is sheltered from this pitfall.
Even the guy saying that he was not looking for a relationship, happily married, 4 kids, etc, etc, didn't get it:
WE ARE ALL AT RISK!
While you might think you are walking on firm grounds you don't know what the next step will hold.
(My own example proves it).
After the whole episode of what happened to me, I would say that the first step to prevention is AWARNESS, on various levels.
Awarness of how accute and widespread this problem is,and in cases like mine and Faigie's more introspection into what exactly is going on in our head.
Faigie, dear, please don't take offense but I think you are at HIGH RISK of repeating
the exact same behavior with someone else very soon.
I was chocked to read the "cute" message you wrote to this "happy man", complimenting him and offering him your email.
What in the world where you thinking??
(And you have the guts to do that on this forum, where everyone is tirelessly trying to pull you out of a cyber relationship?!?!?!)
Also awarness of possible current situations that might develop in a negative way.
Yesterday, for example, I was on skype and a Rabbi in my community sent me a message about some important matter.
The "back and forth" became a bit more personnal ("when are you coming back?") and took a whole half hour, from 11:15pm to 11:45pm.
While I honestly don't think he has a crush on me, the fact of this exchange combined with the late hour of the night and also that it is not the first time that he skypes me - all in all raises a red flag. This is what I call AWARNESS.
After awarness I would say SUPPORT for people who are going through any stage of a "situation" and need guidance.
(Of course therapy is great and helpful, but sadly those who need it the most don't go.)
If you are lucky enough to have a friend (same sex, please!!) who you can openly talk to about everything, including this topic, you have your own source of support.Please use it!
If not, we need support from outside, from people who had the same problem and pulled through. Someone to open our eyeswhen we are all tangled up in this poisonous fantasy, and make a stop to it.
The third thing that might help is to have a colorful sex life with your spouse, as opposed to the same predictable scenario again and again.
Yes, there is Nida and it is supposed to give us a sense of renewal, but can anyone come to me and honestly tell me that after 20 years of marriage they are not bored from their monotonous sex life? Always the same person and position etc..
Would you eat the same dish every day? Ok, this also depends on your partner, and if your partner is all"bottled up" in regards to sex it will be a challenge but well worth it.
That, if anything might be the best cure!
(Well, at least a cure I am going to try!!)
I spent a bit of time, as you can see, thinking and I wondering.
If anyone has additional input I would love to hear your thoughts.
And to you dear Feigy, take it one day at a time - it is an addiction and you are brainwashing yourself with illusional romantic thoughts who do not have a backbone. Try to connect with women you could talk to. Is there anyone you can talk to?
If you want, I would be glad to email you my phone number.
Tonight when you light the candles, instead of feeling guilty and having a double life, cheating on your husband and robbing your children from an Eishes Chaiyl's mother, get closer to Hashem, one baby step at a time.
He is here for you and He is the real source of your strength.
I don't know if all your suffering was worth it just for me and my own experience,
but I do know that our Nissyonos are intended to make us stronger,
and bring us closer to Hashem.
It is all in your hands if you pull out of it - or not.
If, in the process, others including myself learn from your experience, great!
(We must admit that in such case the Internet is positively a very powerful tool!)
Surprisingly enough, what "did it" for me was not the angish and suffering of
your predicament, but mostly the pathetic blindness of this so-called "Love".
Of course it is always easier to have a clear vision looking from outside and this is how I saw in your situation the clear reflection of what just started to become mine.
What touched me on this thread is the display of nine pages full of advice from holy brothers and sisters, so far yet so closely touched by your Nissoyon. They are here for you, spending their precious time and energy trying with all their strength to pull you out of this dreadful trap.
Caring men and women out there, opening their hearts to you, writing words of prayers and wisdom, sharing their own painful experiences with you,their common sense, using any possible language and illustration to convince you, and prove their point to you- all for the ultimate goal of pulling you out of a soaking boat, while you are still so hesitant.
I felt it could be me.
I agree for the main part about the text brought from previous poster, from Rabbi Neuman.
Making our spouse number one, investing in our marital relationship, focusing, etc..
I was actually asking myself this morning WHY would I write a poem to a complete stranger whom I have only spent two hours with, and not to my husband who is totally devoted to me and works hard on the homefront while I am on here this business trip?
However, I honestly don't think that eliminating Internet or being distant with the opposite sex holds the solution.
(I remember repeatedly getting hurt while living in a "super frum" community, all from the rudness of men:
not holding the door for me when I am pushing a heavy stroller and trying to enter the food store,ignoring me when lost and in need directions, husbands of my friends not saying hello to me while I was visiting their wives, to name a few examples...
and all for the sake of Tsnius!!)
I believe it is very insensitive and might bring a Chilul Hashem.(I have many examples but it is not the topic).
I don't think this is what Hashem wants from us.
We cannot shelter ourselves.
We live in the world and the world IS populated.It is 2010 no matter how you want behave.
I believe that most of us are lonely and need communication and relationship with others.
That's why we are here in the first place.
This loneliness is what gets us in trouble, not the internet. Internet is a tool that brings us anywhere we want, but we are in control of the keyboard and we have to take that responsability seriously!
So, what could possibly help others like Faigie, me and a million of others?
Let's try to be pro-active here, because the frightening truth is:
NO ONE is sheltered from this pitfall.
Even the guy saying that he was not looking for a relationship, happily married, 4 kids, etc, etc, didn't get it:
WE ARE ALL AT RISK!
While you might think you are walking on firm grounds you don't know what the next step will hold.
(My own example proves it).
After the whole episode of what happened to me, I would say that the first step to prevention is AWARNESS, on various levels.
Awarness of how accute and widespread this problem is,and in cases like mine and Faigie's more introspection into what exactly is going on in our head.
Faigie, dear, please don't take offense but I think you are at HIGH RISK of repeating
the exact same behavior with someone else very soon.
I was chocked to read the "cute" message you wrote to this "happy man", complimenting him and offering him your email.
What in the world where you thinking??
(And you have the guts to do that on this forum, where everyone is tirelessly trying to pull you out of a cyber relationship?!?!?!)
Also awarness of possible current situations that might develop in a negative way.
Yesterday, for example, I was on skype and a Rabbi in my community sent me a message about some important matter.
The "back and forth" became a bit more personnal ("when are you coming back?") and took a whole half hour, from 11:15pm to 11:45pm.
While I honestly don't think he has a crush on me, the fact of this exchange combined with the late hour of the night and also that it is not the first time that he skypes me - all in all raises a red flag. This is what I call AWARNESS.
After awarness I would say SUPPORT for people who are going through any stage of a "situation" and need guidance.
(Of course therapy is great and helpful, but sadly those who need it the most don't go.)
If you are lucky enough to have a friend (same sex, please!!) who you can openly talk to about everything, including this topic, you have your own source of support.Please use it!
If not, we need support from outside, from people who had the same problem and pulled through. Someone to open our eyeswhen we are all tangled up in this poisonous fantasy, and make a stop to it.
The third thing that might help is to have a colorful sex life with your spouse, as opposed to the same predictable scenario again and again.
Yes, there is Nida and it is supposed to give us a sense of renewal, but can anyone come to me and honestly tell me that after 20 years of marriage they are not bored from their monotonous sex life? Always the same person and position etc..
Would you eat the same dish every day? Ok, this also depends on your partner, and if your partner is all"bottled up" in regards to sex it will be a challenge but well worth it.
That, if anything might be the best cure!
(Well, at least a cure I am going to try!!)
I spent a bit of time, as you can see, thinking and I wondering.
If anyone has additional input I would love to hear your thoughts.
And to you dear Feigy, take it one day at a time - it is an addiction and you are brainwashing yourself with illusional romantic thoughts who do not have a backbone. Try to connect with women you could talk to. Is there anyone you can talk to?
If you want, I would be glad to email you my phone number.
Tonight when you light the candles, instead of feeling guilty and having a double life, cheating on your husband and robbing your children from an Eishes Chaiyl's mother, get closer to Hashem, one baby step at a time.
He is here for you and He is the real source of your strength.
- Racheli
Re: trying not to sin
by Guest on Sun May 16, 2010 7:51 pm
Aaaarggh!!!
Who in heavens name introduced this foreign xtian concept to Klal Yisroel. Especially in this thread this concept is absolutely illogical. We have a woman who is tempted to sin, feeling guilty about asking her husband to fulfill his MITZVAH which would satisfy her desire and protect her from sin?
Dragging him down? on the contrary this is actually uplifting him. This is KODESH KADASHIM!
Have you discussed this with our Heilige Bubbas and Zaidas that you presume to know what they did? Perhaps they took out a Tehillim and prayed their spouse would enjoy the “treat” they had up their sleeve? The gemaros are quite clear that satisfaction and pleasure in this area is of paramount importance.
Actually Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov refers to the tznius of Benai Yisroel that they fulfill their desires PRIVATELY and do not voyeur into other peoples houses. (I saw this Pshat in Mishkan Yisroel a sefer on this topic with haskomos of all the gedolei hador both litvish and chasidish. He is explaining why many madrichim do not give much explicit sexual advice, ie the couple must establish what THEY enjoy.)
Who in heavens name introduced this foreign xtian concept to Klal Yisroel. Especially in this thread this concept is absolutely illogical. We have a woman who is tempted to sin, feeling guilty about asking her husband to fulfill his MITZVAH which would satisfy her desire and protect her from sin?
Dragging him down? on the contrary this is actually uplifting him. This is KODESH KADASHIM!
Have you discussed this with our Heilige Bubbas and Zaidas that you presume to know what they did? Perhaps they took out a Tehillim and prayed their spouse would enjoy the “treat” they had up their sleeve? The gemaros are quite clear that satisfaction and pleasure in this area is of paramount importance.
Actually Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov refers to the tznius of Benai Yisroel that they fulfill their desires PRIVATELY and do not voyeur into other peoples houses. (I saw this Pshat in Mishkan Yisroel a sefer on this topic with haskomos of all the gedolei hador both litvish and chasidish. He is explaining why many madrichim do not give much explicit sexual advice, ie the couple must establish what THEY enjoy.)
- Guest
Re: trying not to sin
by Ask Not on Mon May 17, 2010 11:04 pm
To my dear daughter Faigy,
I want you to know that you are one of my beloved children in this world, when I ventured with your parents to ship you down from heaven I had in mind for you the greatest and the best, while you grew up I continuously watched over you like a hawk, many times when you faced grave danger I intervened on your behalf and in your favor.
One of the main reasons I sent you to planet earth in a female version is because. You we're meant to partner up with a soul mate to continue building my world as well as to help fix some of the issues that I need you to look after, everything in my universe is made up of male and female, this is how the system works and I won't tire you with the details why.
40 days before you were even conceived, I reviewed the makeup of your soul, and I paired you up with your male counterpart (trust me, this was not easy (Gemura Brochos) but I got you the best) that together you 2 shall elevate and polish my beautiful planet.
Since male and female anatomy's are totally different (as well details which I won't bother you with) and your precious souls were placed in a flesh and blood housing, I devised a plan to make sure that you 2 soul mates shall have an interest to bond with each other as much as possible, and that is called a sexual attraction, this assures that the machsuvos of you 2 soul mates bond (as of the result of you 2 having relations) and that helps in a lot of the fixing that my universe needs, this is a very big source of pride for me and my pamalya, and you have no idea what this holy union creates, it adds love, peace, and a lot of added good into this world.
The sexual act that bonds between soul mates (husband & wife) was crafted, designed and implemented by myself into every human I created, and was designed to give each partner the utmost amount of pleasure, this pleasure derived by each partner is a holy one, (Zohar Chodosh, chelek 6), and shall not be looked down upon as a low act, this is the way I wanted and designed it (Rambam Shmone prukim).
Since there is a choice of actions each human being can take on their own (bechira) some of the souls I sent down to planet earth abused this feature and used this attraction not for its intended purpose, now what happens when the machsuvos of 2 neshomos bond and they are not the soul mates intended for each other, all types of evil growth spurs out of this union which causes loads of damage to this universe.
Now these evil spurs, not only were they created, they identify with the person who bonded improperly for the rest of their life, and comes back to haunt them when they bond with their soul mate.
So my dear daughter, please continue your efforts of building and polishing my universe, by bonding emotionally and physically with your soul mate, there are still thousands of Tikunim that needs fixing as well as neshomos that need to enter planet earth, and every time you bond with your husband you are helping me fix a bit more, the more pleasure you derive from being with your husband (and vice versa) in any way you like (bais yosef even ezer 25) the purer the machsovo that helps polish and fix my universe, nothing in this act is low, it is just holy.
As well I want you to know, those sweet tears by lect betchin are very much appreciated, every tear drop keeps on filling the cup that so many of your brethren are depending on it to fill up, your teshuva is accepted in full, after all you are my child, talk to me directly, I am listening intently to every syllable that emits from your mouth.
I promise in return to look after you in every step of your life, sometimes it might not seem so, but keep your trust in me, I will always watch and help you.
Father in Heaven (כביכול)
I want you to know that you are one of my beloved children in this world, when I ventured with your parents to ship you down from heaven I had in mind for you the greatest and the best, while you grew up I continuously watched over you like a hawk, many times when you faced grave danger I intervened on your behalf and in your favor.
One of the main reasons I sent you to planet earth in a female version is because. You we're meant to partner up with a soul mate to continue building my world as well as to help fix some of the issues that I need you to look after, everything in my universe is made up of male and female, this is how the system works and I won't tire you with the details why.
40 days before you were even conceived, I reviewed the makeup of your soul, and I paired you up with your male counterpart (trust me, this was not easy (Gemura Brochos) but I got you the best) that together you 2 shall elevate and polish my beautiful planet.
Since male and female anatomy's are totally different (as well details which I won't bother you with) and your precious souls were placed in a flesh and blood housing, I devised a plan to make sure that you 2 soul mates shall have an interest to bond with each other as much as possible, and that is called a sexual attraction, this assures that the machsuvos of you 2 soul mates bond (as of the result of you 2 having relations) and that helps in a lot of the fixing that my universe needs, this is a very big source of pride for me and my pamalya, and you have no idea what this holy union creates, it adds love, peace, and a lot of added good into this world.
The sexual act that bonds between soul mates (husband & wife) was crafted, designed and implemented by myself into every human I created, and was designed to give each partner the utmost amount of pleasure, this pleasure derived by each partner is a holy one, (Zohar Chodosh, chelek 6), and shall not be looked down upon as a low act, this is the way I wanted and designed it (Rambam Shmone prukim).
Since there is a choice of actions each human being can take on their own (bechira) some of the souls I sent down to planet earth abused this feature and used this attraction not for its intended purpose, now what happens when the machsuvos of 2 neshomos bond and they are not the soul mates intended for each other, all types of evil growth spurs out of this union which causes loads of damage to this universe.
Now these evil spurs, not only were they created, they identify with the person who bonded improperly for the rest of their life, and comes back to haunt them when they bond with their soul mate.
So my dear daughter, please continue your efforts of building and polishing my universe, by bonding emotionally and physically with your soul mate, there are still thousands of Tikunim that needs fixing as well as neshomos that need to enter planet earth, and every time you bond with your husband you are helping me fix a bit more, the more pleasure you derive from being with your husband (and vice versa) in any way you like (bais yosef even ezer 25) the purer the machsovo that helps polish and fix my universe, nothing in this act is low, it is just holy.
As well I want you to know, those sweet tears by lect betchin are very much appreciated, every tear drop keeps on filling the cup that so many of your brethren are depending on it to fill up, your teshuva is accepted in full, after all you are my child, talk to me directly, I am listening intently to every syllable that emits from your mouth.
I promise in return to look after you in every step of your life, sometimes it might not seem so, but keep your trust in me, I will always watch and help you.
Father in Heaven (כביכול)
- Ask Not
Re: trying not to sin
by Guest on Tue May 18, 2010 12:56 pm
I was the one who screamed Aaargh!
Thank you ask not you said it much better than I did. That was pointed and beautiful.
Aaahhhh!
Thank you ask not you said it much better than I did. That was pointed and beautiful.
Aaahhhh!
- Guest
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