trying not to sin

[guestfaigy]

I started chatting with a guy in the summer. It was innocent chat at 1st. Over the time we have fallen so in love. Ive mentioned a few times about what it would be like to leave our spouses & start a beautiful life together. I feel guilty sometimes. We r both frum. I am very frum & chasidish. It takes alot of self-control for me not to meet him. He wants me to call him & talk on the phone. I know if I hear his voice & he hears me.....this will only get worse. I know I'll give up & end up in his arms. I thnk of him all day. I sometimes push off sex with hubby cause im losing my feelings for him cause I so love my new lover. Im very frustrated as he wants me but being frum I cannot. Help someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Spiderman]

WOW! I take it that you new "lover' is not Chasidish. Do you have children?
May i suggest that you go for therapy because whatever you are missing in your marriage you think you could get from this gentleman.
I once read a study that most people who leave their spouse for their lover - that relationship does not usually last because what you see is not always what you get. You let your guard down and you become yourself. Everyone will tell you to stop all communication which you should. But, getting therapy will help you overcome it and make you see why you should.

[Jim]

Right on the money spiderman.

You must go for therapy! Dont wait until its too late. Your husband isnt with you out of lust but your boyfriend is. Once your his he aint gonna be so lustful for you anymore. In mishlei it says: Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant... One day you'll change your mind about husband #1 but it will be too late to get back together.

Are you not sure how to get help without your husband finding out? Unfortunately I dont know, I go to a therapist with DW but maybe some friends on this sight can give suggestions that worked for them.

How do you go for counseling without your spouse knowing?

[readed]

It is very easy to disguise yourself behind a computer. It is very easy for this guy to type the words I love you with no actual feelings to you. When you will meet him you might be so turned off. it might be a Girl or a realy FAT UGLY guy.

[Shani Girl]

How did you find him?

[Guest]

I have read in numerous articles and forums that couples that meet like that and leave their perspective spouses and marry, have a less then ten percent success rate..


BE CAREFUL

[miriamgols]

THe only thing to do is quit cold turkey.It will be very difiicult at first .A few days after you have stopped you will look back with deep regret for making another man sin.Would you parade on the street with fishnet stocking,mini leather skirt and form fitting red top?Of course not..What you are doing is far worse,you are putting a stumbling block in front of a man.,Of course it is his fault too.BUt you have a large part in his sin....In addition your behavior might destroy the life of your family.If you can't quit on your own go for therapy.

[Blond]

[quote="guestfaigy"]I started chatting with a guy in the summer. It was innocent chat at 1st. Over the time we have fallen so in love. Ive mentioned a few times about what it would be like to leave our spouses & start a beautiful life together. Help someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/quote]

What defines “we have fallen so in love" would you please care to explain, i know exactly what u mean & how u feel believe me i know, but i wonder if you know! now why in the world you think that new life with ur cyber friend would be very beautiful, guess what life is beautiful only up there, down here it’s very rough & it takes lot of effort to make it the most beautiful, & it seems to be not fair at times, but it is what it is & we have to make it work ourselves or it will never work no matter whom u marry, i am just like u a chasidish guy & i know all u wana say that we don’t get to choose our spouse but the end of the day it was meant to be ur partner in life & that’s it, going for therapy is the only option left & u can go w/o him knowing about it,

Spiderman!!
WOW! I take it that you new "lover' is not Chasidish. Do you have children?
How do u assume that??

Shani girl!!
How did you find him!
not very hard to find guys these days we are all over the net & on every corner like low lives, but i must wonder why would u care to know how she did find him

[susan]

I have been in the same position as u a few times. This is what i'v learned...if ur not busy doing the rite things in life...ur not coasting..ur headed for the wrong things. Lets face it. U werent working to hard on ur relationship with ur dh, just kinda coasting and another guy(person) seems to have moved into the picture. Do u think u cud try to refocus ur passionate behavior toward the correct person in this case..ur dh? Even if u dont have ur heart in it..try a little harder, smile, flirt, make his favorite supper, be the one to intiate procreation at nite. And ur cyber boyfriend, who may or may not even exist, is really distracting u from a respectable life which really is ur number one priority. Why dont u talk this over with ur parents and/or ur Rebbe, confidentially and see if they dont laugh u off the planet earth!!

[guestfaigy]

Thnx everyone for ur comments!!! I have no one in the world I can mention this to without getting into trouble!! Its funny cause my lover mentioned this website to me as interesting. Instead.........I read thngs & it all opened up to me. Yes, I have children B'h. I desperatly dont want to harm my family in anyway!!! Going to a therapist is very daunting. There is the $ part plus hubby finding out. He is very chasd. Will he understand? or condemn me? or lose some of his love & trust in me? About stopping cold turkey....ive tried a few times but I couldnt get him out of my mind & heart............until I ran back to him. I met him in a chatroom (I know I shouldnt have been there) he is very articulate & sees so deep & agrees with me & worships me!!! Oh ppl! the feeling of being so loved. I see the solution is not going to be simple. Plus im terrified of making one wrong move & becoming ossur on my husband or worse...........getting caught & losing all I have.

[SMG]

"What defines “we have fallen so in love" would you please care to explain, i know exactly what u mean & how u feel believe me i know, but i wonder if you know! now why in the world you think that new life with ur cyber friend would be very beautiful, guess what life is beautiful only up there, down here it’s very rough & it takes lot of effort to make it the most beautiful, & it seems to be not fair at times, but it is what it is & we have to make it work ourselves or it will never work no matter whom u marry, i am just like u a chasidish guy & i know all u wana say that we don’t get to choose our spouse but the end of the day it was meant to be ur partner in life & that’s it, going for therapy is the only option left & u can go w/o him knowing about it,"

When you say we dont get to choose our spouse????what does that mean..yes we do.

[Spiderman]

So at least you understand that if you continue, you WILL lose everything. Perhaps you should try some time alone with your husband so you can reconnect with him. It is unfortunate, but the world we live in now - it is very easy to get caught up in things and get busy. the result is that something (usually relationships) suffers. Either your husband never gave you what you need or he stopped giving you that attention and adoration you thirst for. In any case you need to make him aware of what you need. You can even say very innocently, i miss those early days when you were fascinated by me and adored me like i was the only woman in the world.. that will hint to him. Also, do things to want to make him do those things to you.
Regarding the lover, i am sure that it is very difficult to stop. So, being that you are married with kids and you would like to keep what you have, establish rules with him and do not break the rules. make it clear that these rules must be in place. You will never meet him - period! You can talk, but it has to be friendly talk - no sex talk, no talking about spouses and nothing personal. You cannot keep him as a lover unless both of you are prepared to lose EVERYTHING - kids included! But, you can keep him as a friend in the least.

[marsprincess]

The problem with us chasidish people is that we don; date or have boyfreind before we get married so we never have the exhileration of FALLING in love..When it happens somewhere down the road via illegal activity its like a drug that is hard to give up...Your hub doesn't have to know about your going to a therapist or you can tell him that you have an inferior complex and need help with a therapist.Maybe you can call a bikur choilim organiztion explain your situation and they might lead you to free counseling etx,

[Blond]

SMG! To answer ur question regarding not choosing our spouse, by the ultra frum chasidim, we are set up to meet the girl after both of our parants, have worked all of the details out, so we just come over to talk for a bit , n as a matter of fact most of the times the trays cake are even sitting on the counter ready along with the liquer ready to call it an engagement , so do we get to chosse??? Atleast I didn't

[guestfaigy]

Thnx everyone for ur time!!! Its easy to sit back & decide whats good for someone else. Marsprincess & blond have the strongest points!!! Thngs I never realized!!! Yes! this is the 1st time im falling in love. Of course becoming a kalla is sooooooooo ecxiting!!! U squeel like a silly teenager!! The wedding , the prep.........oh all so exciting!!! U get in bed with dh..........yes ur quite fond of him........hes ur special person in life (till ur kids arrive) but is there love? did u slowly develop "falling in love" .. I didnt!! U have sex as a mitzva. Yes, with time its an intimate closeness like nothing else!!! Ahh!! the passion of mikva nght!!! Not to describe! no goy knows of its beauty & pleasure! But........here I am at a crossroads in life..........im in love........he seems so wonderful. Im strong.......but I know that if i continue & if i talk to him or meet..........hey! im only human. one thng will lead to the nxt. a warm touch, then a kiss, a hug............hanky -panky..........and then u know what. But i fantasize so much about just that!! dh is very chasd. He will never do to me the thngs that lover will. Somehow I crave it. Im stuck between a rock & a hardplace (no pun intended)