The Types of Mom (or Mom-in-law)

1. The overbearing, must know every detail as its decided type:

She needs to know every detail as its being decided, or worse, she has the whole thing planned out for you the moment she hears the good news. This type of personality can be great if you're the type who doesn't care about the details. But let's face it, how many of us really can surrender total control of The Big Day to someone else?

There is hope. There are ways to deal with this person, whether it be your mother or his.

Regardless of whose parent is acting up, you and your hubby-to-be *must* present a united front. Before getting into any arguments with anyone regarding any wedding detail, sit down with your fiancé and decide what issues really matter to each of you. Maybe he really has his heart set on a black tie affair so he can wear a dashing tux. Or maybe all he cares about is a particular song playing. Maybe all you care about is an all chocolate wedding cake or having it in your childhood synagogue. Either way, make a list of what is crucial to both of you and make sure you agree. Once you have this in hand, you will be better prepared to tackle the Overbearing Mom.

Your Mom:

If your Mom is posing the problem, you need to figure out why. Is she trying to relive her wedding through you? Trying to create the wedding she was never able to have? If this is the case, very tactfully reminding her that this is your wedding, and while you appreciate her advice and suggestions, you would prefer doing things your way might go a long way in calming her down.

Ruchel* expected her mother to be thrilled when she announced she was getting married. What she didn’t expect was that her mother, whose own wedding had taken place without much celebration in a rabbi’s office because a family tragedy had made a wedding emotionally and financial impossible, had already begun discussing menu ideas with the wedding coordinator of local catering hall.

“I was taken aback. She had the whole thing planned out before I had told my sisters. And it wasn’t at all the wedding I had envisioned. I didn’t want the typical catering hall with the same floral arrangement and bouquets as the wedding the week before. I really wanted something that screamed me.”

Ruchel was lucky, she and her mother were always close. When she explained that she really appreciated her mother’s enthusiasm and wanted to keep her involved, but she had a very different wedding vision, her mother backed off and helped her plan it her way.

Maybe your mother is simply a take-charge type of person who doesn't feel useful unless doing something? Try deciding which aspects you and your fiancé are less concerned about and assigning her specific tasks, like finding the ideal photographer or handling the details for any out of town guests?

Whatever the reason, do keep in mind that this is a very big event in your mother's life too. Shutting her out, fighting with her over every detail, and possibly ruining your relationship with her just isn't worth it. Figure out what the most important details are and be flexible with everything else.

When his mother is sticking her nose in everywhere, figuring her out may be more difficult unless you know her as well as you know your own mother. It is also trickier because how you deal with the wedding could set the tone for the rest of your relationship; you will be related to this person for a very long time. Alienating her now over the color of your tablecloths isn’t a good idea, especially if she and your fiancé are very close. On the other hand, letting her walk all over you now is not quite the right message to send either. Making sure she understands that, while you appreciate her input, the final decisions are ultimately yours demonstrates that you’re open to her ideas without being a doormat.

Depending on the level of interference, some similar tactics as those used to deal with your own mother might help. Doling out specific tasks, and thanking her for her input can go far in quelling the tide of her advice, but if she's still out of control, it's time for your fiancé to step in. After all, she is his mother; he might know how to "handle" her better. At the very least he might understand her motivations better than you can and help you understand and deal with her.

Then, of course, there's the final type of overbearing parent: the one who's actually paying for the event. It is rare, but not entirely unheard of, for the parent shelling out the dough to demand the right to determine the shape and size of the challah. If this is the case for you, your options are limited. If the paying parent is insisting on things you absolutely cannot stand, first, sit down and talk with her. Explain which elements you really cannot accept and try to come up with alternatives. Maybe she is only insisting on fuchsia for the bridesmaids dresses because she remembers your favorite dress when you were 3 was that color.

If you have tried to talk it out with her with no success at getting anywhere with her, it's time to sit down with your honey and consider the harsher alternatives.

First alternative: come up with some money yourselves. This puts some of the money power back into your hands. If it isn't much, you and your fiancé should decide together what your priorities are and inform the problem parent, together.

Second alternative: If what your mother is proposing isn't all that terrible, go with it and ask some friends to help you throw a large party or shevah brachot later that weekend or week to celebrate with them.

And finally, if you really cannot come up with any money, and you really cannot stand the thought of walking down the aisle of your mother's favorite restaurant wearing her favorite type of dress to her favorite song, and she won't budge, it might be time to consider the E word: elopement.

Now Jewish elopement is not common, but it is certainly not impossible. All you need besides your fiancé are a rabbi (to provide the Ketubah if nothing else), two appropriate witnesses, and a date. This is not a step to be taken lightly and I don't recommend it in most cases. Sometimes just knowing you are willing to consider eloping is enough to gain back some semblance of control over the wedding. After all, if you won't attend, there's really no point to her planning, is there? I must repeat, this is not a step to be taken lightly. Further, I wouldn't even make the threat unless you had given considerable thought to carrying it out and you (and your fiancé) really believe eloping is preferable alternative to what is being forced upon you. It likely will alter your relationship with her for the rest of your life; but on the same token, if she doesn’t care about making you miserable on your big day, perhaps this is a step that needs to be taken.

Alanna’s* story is not quite as happy as Ruchel’s. She and her mother were never very close, and she moved from her mother’s home in Seattle to New York where she met her fiancé. When she called her mother with the good news, she was shocked by her mother’s response.

“She insisted we have the wedding in Seattle. All my friends, some of my family, and almost all of my fiancé’s family live here in New York. When I refused, she said not only was she not paying for it, she wouldn’t come and it would be my fault.”

At first, Alanna was ready to concede and have the wedding in Seattle because that was her usual reaction to her mother’s guilting her. Then, after speaking with her fiancé and many friends, she realized that the decision to act like a child was her mother’s, not hers. She had found a venue in New York she loved and that’s where she wanted to be married. She had done nothing wrong by wanting to have her wedding in New York and called her mother back to inform her of her decision. Her mother tried her usual guilt tricks but Alanna held firm. “I told her, ‘Mom, that’s your decision, not mine. If you choose not to come to New York for my wedding, it’s your choice, not mine. I want you here, but I can’t force you to.’ She still said she wouldn’t come, but a few weeks later she called and started asking me about hotels near the venue. It was time to end the cycle of manipulation and I did. She still refused to contribute financially, but at least she was there. We’re not closer today, but at least she knows she cannot manipulate me like that anymore.”

2. The “Whatever you want, dear” type

Perhaps you have the exact opposite problem. Your mother has butt out entirely, to the point where she just wants to know where and when to show up. Now, if you’re the take charge, hear no opinions type, this might work well for you, but in most cases, most brides would like their mothers to at least want to help out.

Again, the key to dealing with this parent is figuring out why they are behaving in this manner and not just being offended that she doesn’t want to participate in this huge day in your life. You might be afraid it’s because she doesn’t like your fiancé when the truth is her mother was so overbearing at her own wedding that she’s gone in the opposite direction to make sure she doesn’t follow her mother’s footsteps. Or perhaps she’s simply afraid to get involved or thinks you don’t really want her help. Or maybe she just hates planning things. The only way to determine what exactly is her problem is to talk to her.

Suzanna’s mother seemed entirely absent during all the big planning. “I’d ask her to call her cousins to get their new addresses or their kids’ addresses for the invitations, and she’d email me her cousin’s phone numbers so I should call. These were her cousins, I’d barely ever met them and I couldn’t spend all day on the phone getting everybody’s address. The least she could do was get a few addresses for me. I was doing everything. It was all I could to get her to come to see my wedding gown, let alone go shopping with me and attend fittings. Finally, I snapped and asked her what I had done to make her act like this. She look startled and said, ‘but you’ve been planning this wedding for years without me, why would you want my help now?’ I had no idea that she was offended that I had not previously included her when my girlfriends and I poured over wedding magazines. But that was just for fun. I wasn’t engaged yet. Once I was and we were planning for real, of course I wanted to include her. She had no idea that I really did want her help. I just wish I had asked her sooner.”

Molly had a similar problem with her mom. “She shrugged off every task I asked her to take care. I’d ask her if she had remembered to do something and she’d sigh and say ‘oh, I’m sorry honey. It slipped my mind,’ or something like that. Drove me crazy. I asked her, after she’d forgotten to find the phone number of the photographer I wanted for six straight days, if her problem was that I was getting married at all, or was it my choice of groom? She was surprised that I was thinking that. I knew my mom hadn’t had a real wedding, just a few relatives and friends in a rabbi’s office and then dinner at a restaurant, but I had always thought that was because of family financial troubles. The truth was she just didn’t like weddings. She found them overly fussy and more of a pain than they were worth, particularly since she hates formalwear. She was happy to let me have whatever I wanted, within budget, but she just didn’t buy into the whole glorified wedding mystique thing. Knowing that was her problem, and not me or my fiancé, made it better.”

Karen’s story didn’t work out as well as Molly’s or Suzanna’s. “I had the same problem with my mother not wanting to help out, but my mother’s problem really was my fiancé. She thought he was far too religious for me and she didn’t like his parents. She thought they were too aloof and cold. In the end, she agreed to be more supportive and encouraging, and I agreed to getting prenuptial agreement since it made her feel so much better about the whole thing. I mean, I wish she could grow to know and love my future husband and his family the way I have but at least now she’s willing to help. It’s a little better, though certainly not perfect.”

The thread throughout all these stories is that you need to talk with the problem parent, figure out what her (or his) motivation really is before you can solve the problem. If your relationship with your parent is strained, this is an excellent opportunity to try to mend fences and bring everyone closer together as you start a new life. The tone you set now could very well be the tone of your relationship from now on. If you allow yourself to be a doormat, easily manipulated by any parent involved, that’s a precedent that will be hard to change. On the other hand, turn into a demanding bridezilla and that’s all that anyone will remember for years to come. The wedding is one day, you’re related to them for life. So, when dealing with these relatives, take a deep breath, communicate, be firm yet flexible as needed. And try to remember: the point of all this is that you are preparing to begin your life anew with the man you love.